seven

when i am at home alone

i sit, drink bourbon

hold my breath

i check my phone every three point five minutes

i wait for you

i want for you

but i try to write poetry instead

what ever happened to the time that i spent sober?

you have it all

this kitchen ain’t just a kitchen no more

it’s the spot you helped me with taco Tuesdays

when i fussed at you for putting a drop of Mexican beer in our beef

when i look around all i see is that it ain’t no one’s fault

but there’s emptiness in here now where you used to be

then i exhale

remember my glass of evan williams

forget you for a second, comforted by enjambment

even though we spoke only a few hours ago

and i know how much i fucked up

i find it hard to think of a way to let us go

six

i wish i didn’t have to let you go

i wanted to hold onto you

i wanted to open your beautiful to the world

our world

let them know how much love they been missin out on

i could hold onto your music for hours

if it meant that i’d be closer to you

if it meant that i’d be able to sing for you

and i don’t sing for nobody but for you

i would belt a symphony

if it meant that you would kiss me with that fire

if it meant that when i touch myself i’d really be touching you

five

i want to kill myself most mornings

i want to fade away into nothing

become that voice in my lovers head

urging him to face his demons,

to avoid becoming me

i can’t feel myself in twenty years

cause all i taste is blood and whiskey

i saw calla lilies outside my bedroom

window, i knew it was my turn

my turn to

                                                                  flee

two

white people won’t save you won’t pull you from the shadows allow you a seat in the kitchen they won’t speak to you of your blackness as if it were something other than crime committed i, america the free and few will come to be shouting this their dream lift every voice and scream where were you when black got murdered? armed soldiers only police fortress they body guarding our streets i can’t even live no more though id be better off alive and ready ready for the fucking fight you the white boy with the audacity to call me out my name you with my mother in your eyes brother your lips sister that smile came from that black girl womb yet rebuke me just the same what is it about me that makes you shiver in defeat is it the nigga in me?

one

i think about you when im drunk and want to write more

i type your name, find out where i spot my love for you within each letter

my body sinks, i form full on passion at the thought of you and can’t get out this maze

i spot the brownness in your eyes and wonder what our children would look like

if i’ll love them like i love you, knowing i will but still can’t help but question the god in your smile

are you sent for me or meant for me

will we ride together, hold each other with open palms when the night folds over us, we stare into the moonlight like dancing calla lilies

this place that feels like home is not so big anymore, not so big

yet i hold you, rock you in my arms til our slumber, a reckless sleep

falling over each other, touching and fucking as if this is the only night we have

the only night we have to kiss and touch and breathe and love

hold me, and i won’t ever leave your side, my sweet sweet charlotte boy